I'm Not a Part of Your Cliché

Friends Slice

2009-03-27T06:35:04Z

I just did a spur of the moment friends cut 'cuz it's the cool thing to do now, ya know?

I got rid of most people who had empty user info, no entries, or had not made a new entry in a year or more. Of course, there were a few that I kept regardless, just because of some strange nostalgia I have for you. :p

Anyway, if you are reading this and it no longer says we are mutual friends and you don't want it to be that way, comment and tell me why you want to keep me as a mutual.

You others, well, you can ignore this pointless post. It's as pointless as everything else I post here. Haha.

question

2009-03-14T06:50:59Z

For the computer smart.

Tonight I've been getting a Windows Security alert that tells me I have 41 viruses. I download Norton because it's what I've always used. I did a full system scan and it said it didn't find anything. But, Windows is still giving me all the urgent alerts.

What's going on? Anyone know?

I'm confused and a little worried.

ALSO: Anyone else's yahoo mail not working?

EDIT: After some searching, found out the thing making those pop-up show up is actually spyware. I'm using what is suggested to remove it now. I hope it works.

kymburrlee @ 2009-02-27T11:51:00

2009-02-27T18:51:57Z

Just so you know, my computer died this morning. I seriously heard it take its last computer breath.

I will only be able to get on a computer when I can find one at school that isn't down with a virus because I don't feel comfortable using my parents computer to get on here or MySpace or the like. My computer was old and slow anyway. Maybe I can go ahead and get me a laptop.

I've got to run to class now. I have a lab quiz that's just waiting to fail me.

kymburrlee @ 2008-10-19T00:44:00

2008-10-19T07:18:17Z

I hate living at home with my parents. Seriously, right now, I want fucking out.

No fights or anything have happened recently but I just feel so suffocated. I wish I could just come and go as I like. Still, at 19, I have to go in to my parents bedroom and wake up my mother to tell her I'm home if it's after 9, which is when she goes to bed. I appreciate the love and and care, but seriously, I hate stumbling in there in the dark just to say I'm home.

I have to limit my computer time to at night or when the parents aren't home because they still act like I'm really young and don't know how to be safe on the net. They would flip if they knew I had a MySpace or LJ. Just now, I had a friend over that didn't leave until almost midnight. My mom just came back to check on me. I've been home the entire time! Do I really have to come say "hey, I'm still here" ? And, of course, this being my time, I'm on the net and listening to music and I'm sure she will be interrogating me tomorrow, asking why I was online at this hour because "only freaks and perverts are on at that time of night." Yeah, exactly. That's why I'm on. (Haha)

I want out but that is impossible on my salary and with school...it won't be happening for years. I'll have my dorm at Ft. Lewis and that will help but...damn, I feel like life can't be mine until I'm out.

Yeah, I know. Bitchy, whiny girl is bitchy and whiny. And I'm completely ungrateful.
I'm cranky and frustrated with life. Also, I'm lonely but at the same time, I want everyone to just leave me the fuck alone.

Ugh, I'm just going to go to bed now.

Take These Broken Wings And Learn To Fly

2008-08-18T06:08:54Z

I'm home. I had fun and it was nice to get out and away from town. And, it was nice to go to a place where it rains and it wasn't 100 + degrees! I despise hot weather.

Friday, Shantel wanted to go to the spa and get facials. This is never something I've had or really wanted done because I'm not a fan of having strangers touch me. But, I did it and god, it was so good. She gave me a hand, shoulder and neck massage. That was great. But then she massaged my scalp and that was soooo gooood. lol. Afterwards, they put makeup back on you and the lady asked me if I wanted a natural look or dramatic. I said dramatic and when I looked at myself in the mirror I nearly laughed because her "dramatic look" is my version of natural. Maybe I wear too much makeup...Nah.

Saturday morning I woke up hearing Tisha sniffling because of her allergies and 30 seconds later a bomb went off! Well, actually it was a really fucking loud clap of thunder that went on forever. I seriously thought the world was ending for a second. D:

We travelled up farther into the moutains to a tiny little village called Ouray. The trip up there is turn after sharp turn on a steep mountain side with no railing. The passenger can look out the window and see only the drop, not the road. There was a trail to see a large waterfall. It was a billion stairs and then just rocks that you have to climb. Not for the faint of heart, for sure. I nearly died a couple times.

Sunday we just walked around downtown and then went to the movie to see Tropic Thunder. Some other things happened but I deleted most of it because I have bored you enough already.

Here are some pics. A number are just of moutain sides and stuff but I'm a nerd and get excited because it's soooo pretty!

For the Twilight fans...*points to sign*

^^Bottom of the waterfall

^^I thought that tree was cool because it was growing right on the edge of the canyon. Brave little tree there.

^^My fast motion chipmunk

^^Random crow that kept hanging around my car.

^^The whole village of Ouray.

^^Tisha's feeling towards nature after the hike to the top of the waterfall.

^^Shantel on the left. Chantell on the right. (Thank god their names are spelled differently.) And a cameo by my finger in the bottom left.

^^Tisha not knowing I was taking a picture. Every time I took her picture that night that white blurr was there by her head.

And finally, a picture of me after my "dramatic makeup" because, every once in a while, I take a decent photo.

L-O-V-E Is Just Another Word I'll Never Learn To Pronounce.

2008-07-19T06:40:23Z

I am annoyed. I now remember why I avoid popcorn.
Because there is always a hull that gets stuck in either my teeth or on my cheek that no amount of brushing can fix. It's worse this time. It's stuck on the back of my tonsil. It's irritating the fuck out of me and it making my throat sore. D=

There is an alarm at this house that goes off at midnight and if you ignore it it gets faster and faster and louder and...I swear it sounds like a countdown to a bomb going off. I'm waiting to be blown up.

Anyone else heard of 3OH!3 ? On MySapce they are described as alternative/ electronica /thrash but it's got rap and singing in it and it's done by 2 white boys from Boulder, Colorado and...I love it. lol It's become the obsession at work at we play it all the time and I can't help but love it.

I didn't get to dye my hair tonight. I was called in to take over someone else's closing shift. But I'm going to do it tomorrow night.

My Hair!

2007-08-07T05:35:11Z

I tinted my hair cherry the other day! I wanted to switch it up and the stuff was only $5. It didn't show up entirely well since my hair was so dark but you can kind of tell. Since my light roots were starting to show it's really red at the roots which is kind of funny but in bright sunlight you can really tell.

I'm getting my hair colored dark dark brown (because my parents forbid black) again and then doing vibrant red streaks. I've been wanting to do this forever! My parents are going to have a fit, unfortunatly.

kymburrlee @ 2007-06-25T23:02:00

2007-06-26T06:06:03Z

*sigh*
Thigs have been either bad or just mundane. I need a good week alone I think. No one to bother me. No family. No friends. No work. Just me at home coming and going as I wish. Watch tons of movies, sleep when I want, run around singing random songs at the top of my lungs. I would be a much happier person if I could do that.

So since last time of doing a proper update I've went to the Bahamas, turned 18, worked, and become even more bitter. None were all that fun. I'm legal. I can vote. I can go to war. I am no longer jailbait which is why a creepy random guy who called my work today took the liberty of hitting on me on a day where I'd rather bite a guy's head off.

Anyway, a friend of mine got her first tattoo the day after my 18th birthday. I lied to get out of the house and drove the next town over to watch her get it done. Once my other friend turns 18 in the next few days we are going to go together and get a tattoo. I'm having to hide this from my parents. I asked my mom about a week ago if I could get one and it went badly to say the least. So I'm going to get one on my hip so I can hide it easily. Too bad I can't get it on a place I can show off. Her mom is going with us to get it done. Oh, if only my mom was that accepting.

I'm trying to get back into writing. It really helps me feel better.

Why Am I Not Surprised?

2007-06-20T04:41:53Z

What color is your soul painted?

Black

Your soul is painted the color black, which embodies the characteristics of modernity, formality, power, sophistication, elegance, wealth, mystery, style, anger, sadness, remorse, rebellion, loss, discord, confusion, and absorbing negativity. Black falls under the element of Earth, and symbolizes outer space and the universe, and in some cultures black represents fertility and wisdom.

Click Here to Take This Quiz

Quizzes and Personality Tests

I promise to do a real udate soon...Smetime...

We Don't Need No Education

2007-05-28T05:34:25Z

Wow, I didn't realize how long it had been. Let's see. I graduated on Thursday. Wow, that was a fun night. When it came time to call my name my legs were shaking so bad. Going down those stairs after I got my diploma I thought my legs were going to give out on me. I had tunnel vision and hearing. I know people cheered for me but I don't know if it was alot or few. No cool poses or jumping off the stage for me. No, I just wanted to get the hell off and away from everyone watching. After that I was all smiles. I was soooo happy. We ran to the sign at the back of the field, the fireworks went off then Aerosmith's "Dream On" came on and me and my friends headbanged. Haha, you know, we just had to. Then we went to Project Graduation which lasted until 3am. I didn't get home until 4. I slept until 5 pm the next day. I have never done anything like that. I mean, I have stayed up until 4 or 5 before and woke up about 10 am or so. But, I hadn't slept in my own bed in a good while and hadn't been sleeping well so I was just catching up. I have felt so rested the last few days.

Today me and my friends were going to go see Shrek 3 but when it was our turn in line they only had 3 tickets left. Problem was there was 5 of us. So insted we went and saw The Invisible. Pretty good. Not amazing. Ran just a little long in my opinion. Or maybe I was just ADD. Tomorrow we are going to try and get in Pirates 3. We are going to get there super early.

My biggest complaint right now is I am going to be 18 in 18 days and I feel so smothered. I have so many things planned that I want to do but I know they will be a struggle because of my parents. God, I'm not looking forward to those fights. In a year they are going to send me off to the big city to go to college and I will be 4 hours away. They need to start letting me go little by little or otherwise when that time comes they are going to really have problems. *sigh*

I have a plot bunny for a story. Just a fluffy one shot. I'm better at one shots...Anyway, even though that plot hit me about 3 days ago and I need to get it out I feel in the mood for a deep, intelectual, kind of brooding one. The opposite of fluff. I don't know. I'll get out my notebook and pen later. I like the old school style of writing first then if I like it I'll take the the time to type it up.

I cleaned my room tonight for the 1st time in I swear 6 months. Wasn't as horrible as I thought. Feels better. I'm such a cluttered person but when I do get in the mood to clean I love how it looks and feels after it's done. My room my look good but my bathroom and closet are horrible. My closet should be declared a National Disaster or something. It's that horrible. It amazing I can even get dressed some mornings...

Countdown!

2007-05-09T04:37:55Z

I haven't updated in such a long time. Just haven't felt like it. However tonight I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.

As of today I only have 6 more days of school before I am out then I get to graduate 8 days later. 6 days of school left and I really don't know if I can make it. Today was so horrible and I'm sick of people. Everyone is so immature and I'm on the verge of fighting with teachers and I never do that.

Today started out with me waking up late, getting stuck in traffic and just barely making it to school in time. Then in first hour they were nominating people for awards. I wasn't nominated. I knew I wouldn't be, but for some reason today I just felt like I was so worthless and average while everyone else was shining. One of my friends nominated my other friend and that's great but...I just felt so sad about it because I want to be good at something. But I'm just another student in a class that doesn't excell greatly at one thing. I'm fairly smart but nothing to get recognition for. Just enough to get me through school with A's and B's on my report card. I haven't gotten any scholarships while some got many.

My weightlifting teacher is a coach which means he's a jerk to anyone that isn't an athlete. He is always yelling at me to get to work while his golden children do nothing or sit around and talk to him. It's bullshit that he plays favorites like that and I had had enough today. He was yelling at me and a friend to keep walking but 2 girls, athletes, stood by the wall and talked. I pointed to them and asked why should I work if they aren't going too? He just kept telling me to keep moving but I wasn't giving up. Finally he just yelled that "I shouldn't point at people." What the fuck? Sounds like something you would say to an elementry kid. I got pissed, shook my head and started going. A little bit later the two girls started. I have had to deal with that everyday for a year and I was having a bad day today and I snapped. I knew that if I argued with him there was a possibility of my diploma being held but I was ready with a story.

I just have to think 6 days but the past 2 have dragged on like a week.

Long Overdue Update

2007-04-23T04:19:59Z

I knew it had been a while since I updated. I just didn't realize how long. I've been lazy, busy, and just not in the mood.

So Prom was the 14th and I'm glad I went. I was not going to go. I just didn't want to go through all that trying to get ready and just ending up feeling like crap the next day. But it didn't end up that way. By no means did any miracle or something life-altering happen but it was fun. I will remeber my Senior Prom years down the road. And there will be nothing negative about that memory.

I only have 17 more days of school. Holy shit. I can't quite believe it yet. Hasn't truly hit yet. I'm only going for 1st hour tomorrow. It's senior ditch day tomorrow. I'm going for 1st hour because it is choir and we have a HUGE show coming up in about a week so we are learning songs and dance moves so I just can't miss. I'm okay with it, though. After that me and my girlfriends are going to have breakfast together then go bowling then watch a movie at someones house. Nothing like alot of seniors who do that keggers at the lake and stuff. I'm sure that is happening but I sure as hell ain't going there. No thank you.

My problem at the moment is I'm going through another depression. So far this one is light and I hope it doesn't intensify. I'm kind of down about my appearance and I am excited about tomorrow but for some reason I feel like either something bad will happen or I will be kind of touchy. My moods are just unpredictable.

I have a Vam plot bunny bounding around in my head. I know I've put Fiction on hiatus but this one just might nibble at my brain until I sit down and write it. I might start that later tonight.

Hell has frozen over!

2007-04-08T05:12:22Z

The last couple of days have been very fun. I've needed these days very much.

Friday I went looking for a prom dress and it actually went very well. The second dress I tried on was great. Well, basically the second. I had to go a size up because my boobs were too big. That is a reason for which I don't mind going a size up. But the crazies thing is is that my dress is pink. Yes people. Pink. Since most of you don't know me you don't know how much of a fracken' miracle that is. I never wear pink. Only in little bits. But I am going all out on this one. All pink, hot and pastel, pink glitter, pink jewlery. My shoes will be silver most likely. Still have to get those. But now I am excited for prom just because I know sooooo many people will be seeing me and freaking out.

Here is a picture of it from the site but mine is not in this color. It's much prettier than this one and fades from hot pink to pastel pink.

Just Another Day

2007-04-06T04:24:12Z

Ello everyone. I'm feeling pretty darn good right now. I don't have school tomorrow, I got all my school projects done, I'm planning on sleeping in super late tomorrow then I am spending the night at a friends house tomorrow night. I need this weekend so bad. Even though I've only been back to school 4 days it still has been tiring.

Next weekend is Prom. I had forgotten about the damn thing. So this weekend I need to get a dress and shoes if I need to. Plus, I have yet to shell out $35 for a ticket. I'm really going to need luck tomorrow with dress searching. I hate shopping for clothes. I usually end up upset and pissed off. We shall see how it goes. I really want a different sort of dress. Maybe red...never had a red dress before.

I'm not really as excited for this dance as I was last year. Again I am dateless and just have had a shitty year in the confidence department. I guess I just need to suck it up. I'll find someone in time who loves me regardless. It just has to heppen.

Random

2007-04-05T04:44:12Z

I nicked this from gal8028and thought it looked like fun.

What you do is use Google image search and enter you answer and paste in the first picture result.

1. Your age on your next birthday:

(So I will be 18...This is what popped up. It has the number 18 in it's name...)

2. Your favorite color:

(Purple- hmmm intresting)

3. Your middle name:

4. The last meal you ate:

5. Your bad habit:

(Procrastination is a big problem.)

6. Your favorite fruit or vegetable:

7. Your favorite animal:

8. The town you live in:

9. The name of your pet or last pet:

(ooooh nudity. Look away little ones. So one of my puppies name is Echo.)

10. Your SO or best friend's nickname:

(Eww. I typed in Chantelly and this is what I got...)

12. Your crush's name:

(yeah..seriously)

13. Your occupation:

14. Your birth city:

(haven't moved...yet)

15. Your favorite song:

(The Path-HIM It's hard for me to choose just one song but I really do adore this song.)

kymburrlee @ 2007-04-02T22:41:00

2007-04-03T05:03:45Z

I'm updating even though I am super tired tonight. Spring break is over and today was the first day back to school. I'm getting so close to being done. I've had senioritis so bad and my mom has been upset with me because I haven't wanted to go to school. All those days I didn't go I had reasons. Either I was sick or was severely depressed. Even though I have missed more than I usually do I haven't missed that much. My mom made it out like I was going to fail this year because I've missed a couple days. And my dad surprised me tonight. He's leaving again tomorrow so I actually got a hug. Then he tells me that I need to just keep plugging along but he knows I won't blow this year. At least someone has hope in me. He never does. But really, they don't need to worry. I'm a good student. Oh well.

I feel kind of like I'm being hassled when I go out into public anymore. Maybe I just never noticed it but I don't like it. It's only a couple things but you know, it takes alot of compliments to bring a person up but one negative thing to bring them crashing down.

So it's a short up date but that is all I can think of at the moment.

The World Is Scary

2007-03-23T05:15:21Z

It's late and I still have an essay to finish. I shouldn't be on here. But I'm just not wanting to rest. I'm depressed again. I was in such a great mood earlier today despite fighting with my mom since I got home Tuesday. But I'm feeling lonely again and I keep fighting with my mom. My dad is coming home tomorrow and I think she may go running to him and tell him how horrible I've been to her. I haven't. She's the one who picks at me first. She hates that I'm not her little princess.
A few days a girl a 15 year old girl was murdered while she was hanging out a gang house. I guess tomorrow the there is going to be a shootout at my school and the other high school here because of it. The cops have been called and I bet there will be a lockdown but that doesn't make me feel much better. Let's hope it's all just talk. I really don't want to die, or have anyone die. If we can just get through the day tomorrow I will be happy because then it's spring break.
Hope to see you guys tomorrow.

Choir Trip!

2007-03-22T04:50:09Z

So I've been away from the computer for 2 days and sadly I have missed it. (Hello, my name is Kim and I am a computer-ahoilic.)
Here is a breakdown of the last 3 days:

Sunday: Left at 1pm for Durango which is like an hour from here. Sat though a choir concert which was a little, um, boring. Went to dinner and the place we went put us in the room with baskets of peanuts and after you eat them you are supposed to throw the shells on the floor. It started out innocent enough but not long after realizing this fact my table ended up in an all out peanut war with another table. It was a true battlefield. We hit a couple civillians (waitresses) in the process. Went to Cascade Village which was the place we were staying. The "rooms" we were in were really condos. I had been worried because I had been told we would have 8-9 girls in each room and I was wondering where the hell we were going to put everyone. But once we got there we realized 8-9 people could live there quite easily. We all ran around investigating. When we found the big jaccuzi tub me and my 2 best friends crowded in and the rest of the room took pictures of us looking passed out in the tub.

Monday: Had to wake up early. I am far from a morning person. I didn't have time to shower so I just cleaned up as best I could and threw on a beanie to cover my nasty hair. We had a choir clinic most of the day which ment a lot of singing, standing, and dancing. After doing that most of the day we had free time which ment we went to the pool, then to the sauna, then ended in the hot tub whish was outside. So nice.

Tuesday: The day I had been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. The day to actually got to Purgatory (I love that name so much!) When I put on my boots and began walking I was already retinking my idea. Those things are a bitch to walk in at the begining! I thought my legs were going to fall off and we had to walk a big distance. We couldn't find the bunny slope but we found a fairly unintimidating hill. It took me 15 minutes to get all straped in then I had to have a friend hall me to my feet. I spent some time at the top trying to figure out how to move around. A couple of times I'd start slidding off where I didn't want to go. Like the ice patches (The snow was not good snow. Very icy.) and since I didn't now how to stop I'd just fall to stop myself. Spent alot of time on my ass. Finally got up the guts to try the hill. Made it half way and biffed it. I was too far from people to help me up so I finally figured out how to jump up on the board. I'd have myself straighted away and going and would somehow turn backwards. I made it down the hill but halfway was backwards. But I felt so accomplished! After we had our fun falling and freezing we turned in our boards and found a place to play pool and video games. I rocked at pool and kicked butt at air hockey! So fun. Got home about 5:30 that night.

So all that was a blast but since I got home my mom and I have been fighting. I'm not going to get into it right now but damn, if it just doesn't make me want to get out of this house more. Plus, my dad is coming home on Saturday and he usually just brings more drama.

To Hell With You!....Me...Damn

2007-03-21T04:43:17Z

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Fifth Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Moderate
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Moderate
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the http://www.4degreez.com/misc/dante-inferno-test.mv">Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Halelujah!

2007-03-17T04:15:38Z

I found my class ring! Haha, right after my last post I went on a searching spree and ripped apart my room, bathroom, kitchen, living room, and car searching for it. I was begining to work out a a story to tell my mom so she wouldn't be too pissed. But I knew I had it on Monday night so it had to be in the house. I figured my room had ate it like it ate my digital camera a month ago and is still on a steady diet of socks. Anyway, I have a canning jar that I put my change in everynight and I happened to look in it and there was my ring on the very top! *does a little dance* Whoop! Everything is good now.

Finally Getting A Vacation

2007-03-17T03:43:18Z

Yay, it's finally Friday! I wasn't sure this day was ever going to come! I'm so happy because I'm leaving Sunday afternoon for Durango Mountain Resort with my choir. I love choir. My teacher is awesome and it's guaranteed fun. We get to watch a concert, sing, dance, do some bondage (my teacher's words, not mine), and then have a day at the ski resort. I will get to try my hand....feet, at snowboarding. I've never done it and I've never skied either so I know I am in for it. I'm going to be sore as hell but I can bet it will be fun. I'll be back on Tuesday which means I get to miss 2 days of school, take off work, get away from home, and out of the state. Yes, I'm happy.

So, I decided to change up my journal layout. I noticed alot of my friends had the same layout as I and well, I enjoy being different. I found lots I thought were really pretty....all of them were for plus accounts. No wonder so many have the same layout. There aren't that many to choose from! But I like this one. Pretty and elegant. Everything I am not.

My hell week turned out to be only two days. Only one thing is still bothering me. I misplaced my class ring Monday and I have yet to find it. It worries me. That thing was over $300 and, well, despite me hating my prison of a school, it is still important to me. That and my mom will have a bitch fit if I never find it. I really want it back! I feel naked without it. Plus, I'm graduating in 2 months and they have a little thing where you turn your ring around so that the school faces away from you. *cries* I really really want to find it!...I need a metal detector...

Map!

2007-03-16T04:10:59Z

Fiction- Chapter 4!

2007-03-16T04:04:41Z

Title: Fiction
Rating: Mild R
Pairing: Vam, Bam/Missy
Disclaimer: Don't own anything or anyone but the idea and myself.
Summary: Bam wakes up from a coma to learn the life he was living wasn't what he thought.

A/N: Hello darlings. I am beyond sorry that this has taken so long. It's been over a month! I've lost track of things. Life has been really up and down recently and it's been so crazy and my grades have been giving me problems so this got put on the back burner. I am sorry and I hope this doesn't dissapoint. I've also had writer's block... So to (hopefully) make up for my extreme slowness I have Kissy Vam Dolls! Look, they have magnets in the mouth so they can 'kiss'! =)

Also, I hope this isn't moving too slow. I don't want to rush things but I don't want to lose readers, either. There isn't any true Vam at the moment but it will get there eventually. I really hope you enjoy anyway!

Much love to you all!

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

The day I’m getting out of this hellhole. Finally. It took a week to convince the doctor I was ready to go home. I have been doing great, they can’t deny that. They didn’t believe me when I say I remember everything from my real life. But I finally did it and I’m being picked up today. Jess is the one who shows up with a duffel bag full of my clothes.

“It’s really heavy.” I comment, taking it from him and putting it on the bed.

“Well, it’s only one outfit but it’s what you usually wore. You know, you and all your layers.” I hear the smile in his voice as I unzip the bag and begin to dig through the items. “I just wanted to make sure you felt as much like yourself as before.” He continues.

I pull out a dark gray t-shirt, a pair of black bell-bottoms, a black suit jacket, black beanie, cut-off gloves, and a black sparkly scarf. I lay everything on the stark white bedding and look at it. Emotions rise up in me as I stare at the familiar clothing. I had kind of taken pointers from Ville’s fashion sense. Some made fun of me or bitched at me for copying him but he liked it. Said I looked sexy like that.

At least this part of my life hasn’t changed. I think with a bitter smile.

“I’m gonna go and let you get dressed. I’ll be back in about 10 minutes so be ready by then, okay?” I had forgotten Jess was in the room. I don’t say anything in return and I don’t turn to look at him. I don’t need him to see the tears in my eyes. He’s my brother and he says he wants me out of here but I don’t know if he would tell the doctors or not. I should be fucking ecstatic about going home, not bawling.

I look in the bag and find a pair of boxers also. Good. I’ve gone commando before but that was only when I was feeling sexy that day. Today was not one of my sexy days in the least.

Almost joyfully, I strip myself of the patient’s clothing and toss it carelessly to the side. Forcing myself to think of something besides Ville, I get dressed quickly. I feel like I’m putting my own skin back on instead of just mere clothes.

“Ready?” I look up and Jess is standing in the doorway. My brother. Not a nurse or doctor. I smile and adjust my beanie.

“Ready.”

________________________________________________________________________

Jess leads me through the parking lot to his vehicle. I stop and stare at it.

“Bam, get in. What’s wro-- oh.” It hits him. Why I was in the godforsaken hospital anyway. “Don’t worry. I promise nothing will happen. The roads are completely clear and aren’t busy at this time of day. It’s safe.”

I look at the hunk of metal skeptically. It looks harmless, sitting there quietly but I know once started and put into gear it is no sure bet that all the steel will keep a person safe. Far from it, though people feel big and bad behind the wheel it doesn’t mean anything. Millions of people have died because of these things. Safe, Jess? I think not.

“Bam, there is no way around it. You have to ride or you will be walking forever to get back home.”

Walking doesn’t seem so bad, I think but shake my head and get into the passenger side. Jess smiles at me and waits until I am seated, buckled, and the door shut before starting up the engine. I grip the armrest at the harsh sound but force myself to relax. No need to worry. Cars are driven every day. People don’t always die.

“You okay, man?”

“Just get me home.” I sound harsher than I mean to but my nerves are frayed right now.

“Right away.” he says and shifts into gear. He backs out smoothly and we make it onto the road perfectly fine. I begin to relax. My grip on the seats loosens and the tension in my shoulders fades away and my pulse slows to normal. Still, I am alert. I watch all the cars that get near us, no matter what direction they are going. Jess may be a good driver but there are some real dipshits out there behind the wheel.

Finally, we make it home. It really is home. I was scared that my image of home would be messed up too but I felt a huge wave of relief when we pull up to my castle with the chipped and faded painting of a unicorn on the side.

Jess cuts the engine and I get out as quickly as I can without freaking out too bad. I turn to look at the metal monstrosity and cringe a little. Damn. Snakes and now cars. What else is going to turn me into a sniveling baby before my life is over?

As I approach the door, my breath hitches. I reach out and gently run my fingertips over the black heartagrams that adorn the rich red door. Tears spring to my eyes before I can even think of being sad. Automatic. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jess watching me with a sad expression. I shake my head, open the door, and enter quickly before he could ask a question or I let my mouth run.

In the entry way all is quiet but once I get into the living room I’m greeted by Ape, Phil, and Missy. They all are standing like they are about to get a picture taken for the annual Christmas card. Forced smiles in place and everything. And here I thought I was getting away from the fake smiles. Guess I’ll have to prove to them that I’m good enough to smile for real again.

“Hey everyone!” I say with a big grin. Everyone’s smiles widen a bit at my joyful voice. I walk over and give Missy a lingering but chaste kiss on the lips. When I pull away I see so much happiness in her face. Ape’s too. Phil has a small grin on his round face. Jess, who has moved in next to Phil, doesn’t look so happy. Maybe he’s still wondering out my little thing at the door.

I wrap my arm around Missy’s shoulders and pull her in to me. I think briefly how strange it is that she is shorter than I. Ville was taller than I was.

“It’s good to be home.” I say with a wave of my arm to the big space.

“It’s good to have you home, honey.” Ape says and embraces me. “We just wanted to be here to welcome you. But we’ll let you get all settled back in. We’ll see you later.” She grabs my face and gives me a kiss. Phil pats me on the back with a “Welcome home, son.” And they leave, Jess close behind them.

Now it’s just Missy and me. It’s quiet. Not often am I at a loss for words. But I just don’t know what to say to her. I give her a smile and I feel it is week. She notices.

“I know it will be kind of strange after everything but I’m sure after a couple of days here and some visits from your friends you’ll be good as new.”

Right.

“Speaking of friends, where is the crew?”

“Oh, they wanted to throw a big surprise slash welcome home party for you but we, meaning April and I, thought it would be best if it was just your family today. I think some of them are coming by tomorrow at their own will so… just be ready.” She says, humor with a couple drops of dread in her voice those last few words .

“I welcome the craziness. I’ve missed them.”

She nods her head and begins rubbing my arms up and down from my shoulders to my elbow. A comforting gesture. I want to get away.

“I’d like to look around the house for a while. On my own. Is that okay?” I don’t know why I’m asking for her permission. It’s my house. But I feel so out of my element so I’m unconfident. I don’t intentionally mean to upset her but her smile falters.

“Sure, baby.” she says and steps away. She gives me a rather sad look before going off to another room.

Fuck. This is going to be harder than I thought.

I turn around to look at my living room. The dark colored walls are a welcomed sight after all that time with blinding white walls. Something feels wrong in here, though. My eyes are drawn to the fireplace. Then I see it. The huge picture of HIM, the one with Ville looking over the room with a cigarette hanging between his full red lips, back when he wore mascara and that delicious cherry lip-gloss, is missing. In its stead is a family portrait of sorts.

I step closer. It looks fairly recent. I’m in the middle, striking a pose, being the camera whore that I am. Phil and Ape stand behind me and around them is my extended family, better known as the CKY crew. Dunn, DiCo, Raab, Novak, Rake. All are there. All doing their usual crazy antics.

It makes me smile to see all of them but as much as it’s great memories, this is not who I want to see above my mantle.

I guess this one has always been here. Must have. I mean, all I’ve know has been a lie, right? Even my decorations are all screwed up in my head.

I run to my other rooms. The rooms I know had pictures of us. All of them are void of those memories, I find out. Once Ville and I had moved in together I had removed some of the posters that I had plastered on my walls because now that I had the real thing in my bed it was pointless to have a glossy bit of paper above my headboard. But there had been one room I had left untouched. One of the spare bedrooms. One wall, I remember, was covered in many copies of the Razorblade Romance poster.

Or it had been.

It looks like Ape has redecorated this room. It’s like a country cottage. The walls are dark like the rest of the house but all of the wood furnishings are white or cream colored. The bed is covered in a quilt and there’s even a basket filled with posies or some other kind of flowers. I don’t know. Never was one to pay attention to kinds of flowers. That was something Ville did.

Catching my breath I quietly close and lock the door behind me. I let my body fall heavily onto the bed. The ceiling stares down at me and the almost bare room. My eyes close to imagine the room as it once had been, in all its glory, in my mind’s eye. It’s not until my eyelids slide closed do I realize I’m crying. The tears are forced out from their birthplace to run down the crease of my eyes, down my temples, and into my hairline. I just close my eyes and keep them shut in hopes that that will keep the salty drops from escaping.

Different scenes of my life play like a movie. The meeting, the first timid kiss, my proposal to him, the Halloween marriage, adopting Alyrica.

Like a switch my eyes are open, I’m off the bed and out to the hallway. I hurry to Alyrica’s . Close to the master bedroom, but not too close because I am not one known to keep my appreciation for Ville’s…skills quiet.

It will be another empty room. I know it will be.

My heart drops to my feet when I open the door and look in.

“Oh my god.” I whisper. Everything is here. Everything. Even her crib that she had long grown out of is in here, completely put together. Her “big girl” bed is gone but all her toys are there, scattered about the floor and on shelves around the room.

“What the hell is going on?” I whisper and my legs give out underneath me. I fall to my knees, hard, my forehead close to the carpeted floor. After a few minutes, I find my voice.

“Missy.” It’s soft. Too soft. “Missy!” I scream, more panicked than I would have liked it. She should hear that. Within seconds, she’s there next to me, her hand on my back.

“Bam, what is it?” Her voice is think with worry.

“Why?”

“Why, what.”

“Why is this all here?” My voice cracks.

She looks up and around at the room, these walls red, the little toys everywhere, waiting to be played with by little hands.

“Oh…You weren’t supposed to see it yet.”

“Why not? What do you mean?”

“Don’t you remember? We had been planning on a family so we got started on a baby room. We had picked the room. You were going to get the paint the day you had the rollover…” She trails off and looks away.

A family. A family with Missy.

“I hope you don’t mind that I finished it up without you. I hope you like it…I had a lot of hope that you would come out of it…”

I don’t understand. Is this some kind of cruel joke that whatever god that is out there is playing on me?

I have to use the wall to help me get to my feet. She rises along with me, holding onto my arm.

"Sorry. My memory is still a little foggy." I whisper, not trusting my voice.

"It's okay, baby. I kind of expected this." She says while rubbing her delicate hand over my chest. She looks into my eyes, the love I see in those brown eyes is real, and there's a lot. I know the same is not in my eyes and I can't help the sudden, heavy guilt I feel like a weight on my heart and mind. I have forgotten all about her. Left her for seven years. She kept loving me.

I find myself pulling her into a hug, my arms wrapped completely around her, her head resting on my shoulder.

"I don't deserve you." I whisper into her hair. "I can't believe you still love me after such a long time. You are amazing."

She begins shaking in my arms. She's silent but I know she is crying. I don't know what else to say so I just hold her tighter. When she goes to pull away I grab her face and bring her lips to mine. Chaste, just a pressing of lips at first but I soon find my courage and deepen it. She gladly accepts and wraps her own arms around me as I taste the salt on her lips from the tears.

I pull back and look at her. Her eyes shine with tears but there is a smile on those lips that I have just kissed. I return the smile and push her hair out of her face, caressing her face.

“Come on.” I whisper and take her by the hand and led her to the master bedroom to make her mine again.

Hell Week

2007-03-14T04:15:06Z

Ugh, I'm so ready to just give up on life. This has been the week from Hell and it is only Tuesday.

Yesterday my friends and I are about to head off to lunch. Everyone crams their stuff into my trunk and as soon as I close the trunk I realize my keys were in there and I never unlocked the doors. Fuck. So I call my mom. No answer. My friend offers to drive us in her van to my house. Well the garage door opener doesn't work and the doors are locked and I don't have a key. I should but I don't. Well I have one but it was to the wrong door and sometimes I can't get that to work. So we all treck over to my mom's work. My friends go to get lunch while I use my mom's car to go home, get the garage open and my spare keys. Traffic was insane that day so all that took the entire hour.

Then today. Lunch again. I didn't lock my keys away or anything. In fact, everything was going great. Very little traffic. Not late. Then I notice something on the ground at the entrance of the mall. I just thought it was a piece of plastic or something. Anyway, I thought it was harmless. Then there was this horrid sound like I had hit someone or the body I was keeping in the back had woken up and was freaking out. I stop and my friend gets out and says something is attatched to my wheel. So get it into a parking space and then we see it. I ran over a bungee cord with hooks on both ends. Not a small hook. Nope, a big mother. Pierced the rubber all the way. You can hear the air leaking out. We find my spare and all the things needed to change a tire. Good thing I had my guy friend with me that knew what he was doing because neither one of us did. Well, the jack doesn't want to work. Another friend of mine shows up and offers to take them to go find a jack. They have to go to 2 places before they find one. They get back and he starts working on it. This jack decides not to work as well. After a few phone calls we finally get the one in my car to work and everything on. All that took and hour and a half. So we all have a late lunch and just decide there is no reason to go back to school so we walk around, play Burnout at Zumies, then use the massage chairs in the mall just for shits and giggles. So a frustrating but amusing day.

I just hope that bad luck is over with tomorrow because the way things are going someone just might die.

God, I hope not.

Quizzes Are Addicting

2007-03-07T04:25:10Z

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive.

Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men
You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

Your Brain is Purple

Of all the brain types, yours is the most idealistic.
You tend to think wild, amazing thoughts. Your dreams and fantasies are intense.
Your thoughts are creative, inventive, and without boundaries.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking of fictional people and places - or a very different life for yourself.

What Color Is Your Brain?

Your Mind is NC-17 Rated

You're mind is so filthy... you should should be washing every part of you out with soap.
If your thoughts can go dirty, they do. Almost everything is NC-17 to you!

Do You Have a Dirty Mind?

Your Drag Queen Name Is:

Pussy Galore

Drag Queen Name Generator

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Furby

Girl Parts Name Generator

Your Birthdate: June 15

For you, love is a natural progression from friendship. You are almost always friends first.
In love, you are loyal, steady, and honest. You are not a cheater or even much of a flirt.
You are likely to stay friends with your ex... and open to rekindling something in the future.

Number of True Loves You'll Have: 4

Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 6

You are most compatible with people born on the 6th, 15th, and 24th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Your Vocabulary Score: B+

You have a zealous love for the English language, and many find your vocabulary edifying.
Don't fret that you didn't get every word right, your vocabulary can be easily ameliorated!

How's Your Vocabulary?

Never Date a Cancer

Clingy, emotional, and very private - it's hard to escape a Cancer's clutches.
And while Cancer will want to know everything about you, they're anything but open in return.

Instead try dating: Leo, Sagittarius, Gemini, or Aquarius

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

You Are A Romantic

You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

You Are the Very Gay SpongeBob!

Because the religious right says so...
And because his best friend looks a bit too much like a penis.

What Gay Childhood Icon Are You?

Your Brain is 53% Female, 47% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Slanguage Profile

Prison Slang: 75%

Canadian Slang: 50%

Aussie Slang: 25%

British Slang: 25%

New England Slang: 25%

Southern Slang: 25%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

Your Blog Should Be Red

Your blog is full of intensity and passion.
You are very opinionated - and people love or hate you for it.
You have the potential to be both a famous and infamous blogger.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

You Are a Chick Rocker!

You're living proof that chicks can rock
You're inspired by Joan Jett and the Donnas
And when you rock, you rock hard
(Plus, you get all the cute guy groupies you want!)

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

Yeah so this is just a pointless entry showing just how much I can't concentrate. Quizzes. Some are intresting. Some are funny. Sme are bordering on disgusting. A perfect mix in my opinion.